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We lefties all know that Tesco is evil and Sainsbury’s isn’t. On my way...
“Sorry about all the mean things I have said about Sweden,” I say.A woman stands behind the Swedish flag. Photo: Martin Rose/Getty ImagesThe big news round here a while back was the opening of a...
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Often when I’m home alone, only the thought of how my dead body might be...
I thought of this while going to the local deli to buy a carrot and a couple of onions.Never buy one carrot. Photo: Joern Pollex/Getty ImagesI read the headline of an article – as one does these days,...
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You’ve had a week to get over the election. So can someone please come round...
There comes a point when the shit piles so high on top of you that there’s no point in even trying to struggle.Tea, builders. Photo: Factorylad/WikipediaWell, I’d had a bad feeling in my bones that...
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I dislike the term “growing old”. At least “going insane” implies some sort...
Nowadays, there is no hint of laughter in the language we use to describe the demented – apart, of course, from the laughable nature of the euphemisms to which we are now exhorted to turn.Cheese is the...
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It’s been a strange week: I have no idea who wrote the love letter I found on...
It has been cut out from a reproduction of The Kiss by Gustav Klimt and is about the size of one of those special stamps you get which are a bit too big for the envelope.Klimt's The Kiss: a vital clue?...
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Quite what Mousey wants with the recycling I do not know
I saw the recycling bag shuddering with Mousey’s orgiastic delight and started to reflect on animal cruelty.A mouse (not the one from the author's kitchen). Picture: Proceedings of the Zoological...
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I chose a laptop that even Nasa couldn’t break. Somehow, I have managed to...
Nasa only has to worry about the fiery immolation of its crew, should anything go wrong. They do not have to take into account the treatment you give your machines.Despite a hardy laptop, I've still...
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I’ve changed my mind about the Swedes. They took in 40,000 Syrian refugees...
One thing the Swedes definitely do better than we do, and where we ought really to look a bit sheepish, is in the welcome they give to immigrants.Flats in the Hovsjoe district in south-western...
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Why I was edited out of Victoria Coren Mitchell’s BBC4 show about “bohemians”
This programme and I have a history.The resulting programme that your columnist did not appear in. Photo: BBC/Wingspan Productions/Richard Ranken I am standing in the second-hand bookshop, waiting. The...
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If you leave it long enough without doing your taxes, a really nice lady...
I have now got the stage where I am convinced that if I open the latest HMRC-stamped envelope, a Balrog will jump out.An HRMC tax letter. Photo: Matthew Lloyd/Getty ImagesI am lying in bed, as is my...
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The universe doesn’t seem quite so random and pitiless when a reader sends...
If that particular envelope-opening scene had been filmed in the 1930s or 1940s, it would have been accompanied by a shaft of sunlight and the sound of a heavenly choir.Wine economy: the £5.99 to £7.99...
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All I care about is wine; all Mousie cares about is bread. And now we have a...
My only consolation, as I now wonder what on earth I am going to put my Marmite on besides my finger, is that Mousie will have burst like a balloon with the amount he has eaten.Mousie and some pals....
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Trawling Chinatown for a backscratcher, I see there are some itches that...
Even thinking about a backscratcher makes the back cry out for one.London’s Chinatown in Soho. Photo: GettyI’m trying to find a backscratcher. It’s about the only thing my father can make use of at the...
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No one prepares you for the first time you ride shotgun as your child takes...
The idea of my child getting behind the wheel of several tonnes of rusting Mercedes is one that I cannot begin to grasp, like trying to imagine what is beyond the universe.Your child at the wheel is a...
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Your columnist receives the Prix du Goncourt/Jack Trevor Story Memorial Cup...
What shall I do with the money? At the moment, I am typing this on a laptop that is perched on a chair by the side of my bed. The prize requires you to spend $1,000 in less than two weeks. Photo:...
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